Lust & Wonder by Augusten Burroughs

Author:Augusten Burroughs
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781250082367
Publisher: St. Martin's Press

III

I sent Christopher an e-mail telling him how I felt. An e-mail seemed better than a phone call or a meeting in person, because he was accustomed to me dumping my words all over him. Plus, it was how I was most comfortable, and I couldn’t screw it up.

Christopher,

Two things. First, did you ever hear back from the sub-rights agent about a sale for India?

The other thing is slightly out of the blue. I love you, is the thing. And I mean love love, not love you, bro. I mean, I am in love with you, and it’s an eye-color kind of love, unchangeable and bright. I know this must be somewhat shocking (appalling?) to you, because you’ve never given any indication that you felt anything but professional agent friendliness for me, but I have felt much more for so long it’s possibly caused me brain damage. Also, I am certain you love me, too. Or at least mostly certain. Or at least I hope.

What I want is for you to cab downtown right now so we can quickly go over to city hall and get married. I don’t want us to be agent and client for one more moment. I want us to be together, permanently. I also need to know certain things about you. For example, I can’t even remember your birthday. Also, I’ve never seen pictures of your childhood house, or better yet, heard you describe it. I don’t even know if you had stuffed animals as a kid.

I want to know everything. Shoe size, dental history, allergies, favorite color, special abilities or skills, gluten tolerance level. I require complete knowledge and 100 percent access to all of you. I am like the fat girl at a buffet with three plates balanced on her arm like a waitress. “That bitch, did you see her? She just took all the Bac-Os.” My greed and hunger with respect to you are without limit.

You should know, I tried for many years not to be in love with you, but I failed. And I really did try very hard. But it was not possible, and it never has been, because I have actually loved you from very early in our relationship. Possibly as early as our first meeting.

A small part of me is aware that this might be somewhat blindsiding for you. I also know it’s gross for the famous author to fall in love with his literary agent, but on the flip side? At least we’re not twenty-four. That’s what saves us from being entirely repulsive as a couple. In fact, it’s almost romantic, isn’t it? Like Charles and Camilla.

And no, I’m not drunk.

He wrote me back pretty quickly. “Well, that certainly qualifies as your most shocking piece of writing in my learned opinion. But as fascinating and flattering and strangely hallucinatory as I found it, it can’t possibly be true. I am a crusty old sack of disease with holes blown through it, like a horror movie character that can’t be killed.

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